Enough was enough.
The last few years kicked my ass.
I lost two babies, gained like 80 pounds, ended another relationship I thought was going to last forever and had to move into a hotel with two teenagers AGAIN!
I had had ENOUGH!
After so many things happen, one begins to wonder if they are doing it all wrong. I know I did. One day I had to sit down and think about what the hell I was doing with my life. My strict vegan, gluten free, crystal wearing, yoni breathing ass had it ALL together, yet I was falling apart.
You could not tell me that I didn’t love myself. I mean, I was reading all the knowledge of self books, practicing the law of attraction, I was eating right and doing yoga, getting my nails done, meditating and all out pampering myself. I was in the best shape I had been in a LONG time, and I was getting more into my spiritual practices. I was doing just fine I thought.
“Sometimes our fantasies get in the way of our reality.”
Then I met the man I thought was my “twin flame”; I’m not knocking twin flames yall, really I’m not, but sometimes our fantasies get in the way of our reality. Sometimes we are blinded and are straight fools in love. That was me.
I had made all these contracts with myself. I will NEVER date this type of man again. I will NEVER lower my standards. I will NEVER do this or allow that and sink this low again, yet here I was right back in the same situation making the same compromises because he was the “twin flame.” This flame burned my ass up.
“Self – love = Self Preservation.”
The truth is, I was not practicing self-love as I believed. Sure, I was practicing self-care, but I was about to be shown a whole other level… SELF PRESERVATION.
“Pampering is not self – love.”
See, I figured out that what most call self-love is just self-care. The pampering and grooming. All that is basic and should be done across the board. Self-preservation is the real deal. THAT is the other level. It is self-love because it is the standard of love that chooses SELF over all others. It is saying NO more than saying yes to the demands of others. It is saying YES to your innermost desires. It is KNOWING those desires and working daily to achieve them. It is giving you the gift of going for the best in life rather than the “at least.” It is walking AWAY from any situation, person, place or thing that is no longer lighting you up and fully honoring you no matter HOW long you have had that thing or person in your life. It is letting go when necessary and starting anew.
“You as the head of your life.”
It is making YOU the head of your life, no exceptions and with no hesitation.
I had to start choosing myself without fail. I had to see how very far I’d fallen from reserving the things needed for ME. I was giving them to everyone else and making all the exceptions and apologies for anyone and anything but ME, and it was slowly killing me.
I was in such good health before I made the exception for the “twin flame” I mentioned. That all went to shit after I kept selling myself out. I think I had every illness I had ever had in life in a six month period and then some. I went from not having so much as a sniffle to having debilitating jaw pain and headaches, kidney stones, urinary tract infections, and tooth grinding. My body revolted against this insult against myself. I just knew it was not him. Well, yes I did, but I shoved that truth down and ignored it.
I don’t remember the particular thing that turned me to look up the metaphysical cause of all the illnesses I was suddenly experiencing, but everything fit so perfectly. Every physical ill was exactly the thing I had been ignoring. My body was just telling the story of what I refused to see.
This went on for two years until I finally had had enough. In the end, I found myself starting completely over financially, physically and mentally. I hit rock bottom, and I knew I could not experience anything like this ever again.
This is how I settled on the Sovereign Savage path. I had to cultivate a mindset that would keep me in touch with me and the things I wanted free from outside influence. I also had to be completely and brutally honest with myself about my desires. I wanted to join the ranks of women who knew what they wanted, got it, and did not give a fuck what anyone else thought about it. I had to choose me, unapologetically.
“Things change when women decide to become unapologetically free.”